growth

How I Forgave My Mother

Judy Cangemi3 Comments

It all comes down to this…If I can’t forgive, how can I ever be forgiven? My sins aren’t any cleaner than anyone else’s simply because they are mine.


God chose my mother to be the one to bear me. She met His expectations. For my whole life, I have questioned why and for my whole life, I have focused on the wrong answers. Not because the right answers were not in front of me; but because I chose to blind myself to them.

During my journey of self healing, I forgave many who did unspeakable wrongs to me. But forgiving my mother seemed impossible. Not because what she did (or did not do) was worse than what others did, but because she did not meet my expectations thereby making the pain worse. If I am being truly honest, that is an incredibly unfair standard.


When you allow yourself to love, you choose to overlook shortcomings and focus on the good. That is what is at the heart of forgiveness. That is my choice today.

So many of the things I love best about me are rooted in her. I have been too hurt and angry to acknowledge that. But not acknowledging the truth is only perpetuating a lie. While the lies might’ve been necessary for survival, they are unnecessary if you want to live.

For most of my life I was one of those people. Today I am not.


So here are some of the things I am grateful to my mother for…


My Life. She was 19 when she gave birth to me. 19. I forget how young that is when it comes to my mother. She was a child getting through the tumultuousness of adolescence compounded by dysfunction, newly married to a mentally ill and often violent man. And then motherhood. Barely knowing who you are yourself then being responsible for an entirely new human being. How frightening that must’ve been. But here I am anyway. If not for fighting through the fear, I would not be.

My mother and me before I was me.


Style. My mother was a groovy 70s chick. She looked like a mod Liza Minelli. I used to love going into her closet, finding her patchwork denim bellbottoms, fringed suede bags and platform clogs. I dreamed of looking just as groovy one day.

My fab and groovy mother with me in my poncho made with love by my great-grandma Lily.


Feminism. My mother embraced the sexual revolution. Gloria Steinem was among her heroes. As a young woman who had been victimized more than many by the subservience to men, forced into silence, it’s no wonder she so fervently joined the movement to speak out. She subscribed to Ms. Magazine and bought me my most favorite record that was put out by Ms.’s publisher: Free to Be You and Me. I played that record on my victrola until I wore the needle out. There were songs, vignettes and stories of acceptance. That album was crucial in how I saw myself and the world.

The album that help make me ME. Yes. I have a copy (not the one I had as a child). Yes. It has the 12 page booklet.


Writing. The thing that is most essentially me undeniably came from her. My mother is truly gifted with the written word. Although I never had a lot of opportunity to read her writings, I was always left in awe of the way she was able to articulate her unique point of view.

Same blanket, facing in our own direction

A mother’s love is unconditional. That’s a two way street. As we mature into adulthood, the child inside lets go of the impossible notion of our mothers being superhuman and embrace their humanity. It is a priceless gift for both mother and child. And today it is a gift i am finally ready to give and receive.

I wonder what you were saying to me..?


I love you Mommy.

Love Yourself: Don’t Be Fearful of Telling Your Story

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It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Not because I haven’t had anything to say but because I’ve been allowing myself to operate from a place of Fear rather than a place of Love.

Both the great energies of Fear and Love are equally crucial. Our free will gives us the option to choose at any time which to tap into. It has been my experience the best use of Fear is as an instrument of survival but nothing grows there. Love is the energy from which all things flourish but you need to make yourself vulnerable first. I don’t like that…but the alternative is no better.

I choose to be better.

There’s GOLD in Them Thar Souls!

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Like an old gold-panning prospector, you must resign yourself to digging up a lot of sand from which you will later patiently wash out a few minute particles of gold ore. ~~ dorothy bryant


We’ve all seen the images of the Gold Rush prospectors heading into the uncharted territory of the American West based upon the rumors that “There’s GOLD in them thar hills!”  It was hard, back-breaking labor but the prospectors thought it would be life-changing if they could discover these valuable, shiny bits. 

As I am now a middle-aged woman –goodness that’s painful to say — I find the plunders of the Gold Rush prospectors to be a lot like life. Mine anyway. 


Since striking out in my own at 19 into the unknown territory of adulthood based on the rumors of a better life, I’ve spent a great deal of time on and off of therapists’ couches. Each time I dipped my hile-punched tin pan into the muddy waters of my mind in the hopes of finding golden nuggets. I always did. At times there was so much muck that they were nearly impossible to see. If only relying on my eyes, I would have stopped searching. There was no shiny objects to see there. But like the Gold Rush prospectors, in my gut told me it was worth it to keep digging. It was. 

Now the mud is still there. In abundance. The gold is too. In less quantity for sure…but isn’t that what makes it infinitely more valuable?

Dig deep in your soul. Don’t give up. You are sure to create your own personal Gold Rush. 

Namaste. 

Get Lost So You Can Be Found

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I believe that true identity is found…in creative activity springing from within. It is found, paradoxically, when one loses oneself. 

~~ anne morrow lindbergh

 
When I immerse myself in words, there are times I feel as if I am drowning. As I put pen to the page, the flood gates are opened. All the thoughts I’ve kept inside all day so I can wear the face and walk the walk my roles in the civilized world dictate  wash over me. 

But when I am alone in my quiet place and allow myself to float downstream on the waves of recollection of events, I feel the swell of the waves of emotion. At times it’s overwhelming…but it is always a thrill. 

My words become a surfboard. Sometimes I keep my balance and ride the waves. Sometimes I wipe out. Sometimes I dig the wipeout more than riding in the barrel. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel closer to me. It makes me better equiped to deal with real life’s dry land. 


Find your creative outlet. Build your surfboard. Get lost in the tidal wave so you can find yourself.

Namaste.  

Here for a Limited Time Only…YOU!

Judy Cangemi4 Comments

While time is infinite, each of is mortal. During our finite time on earth, we each want to make our mark.

Mercifully, humans are built to push the thought of our impending mortality to the back of our minds in order to allow us to experience the joy of the present. However, we humans also tend to swaddle ourselves in the blanket of complacency. When the alarm sounds to take the actions needed to achieve goals, we all too often hit the snooze bar and roll over for just a little more time in the comfort zone. 

But just like when we hit that button once too many times in the morning we are left scrambling, sacrificing and putting off until tomorrow what we couldn’t accomplish today. 

Inevitably, though, someday tomorrow will not arrive. 

And it isn’t the thing you do, dear, It’s the thing you leave undone Which gives you a bit of heartache At the setting of the sun. ~~ margaret sangster

And then the question becomes…What are you comfortable leaving undone when you depart this place for the next?

Today…rip off that blanket, pick up that guitar and learn to make your music with it…reconnect with that old friend and tell her how much you miss talking to her…take one of those ideas bouncing around your brain and write that f*ckin novel already!

Here for a limted time only…YOU! Make it a big deal. 

Kick Me in the Teeth and I Will Still Smile Back at You

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Setbacks suck.  They especially suck when you are blindsided.  They especially, especially suck when you are blindsided while you are already  in the midst of another crisis.  You feel as though the Universe itself is conspiring against you.  The truth is, nobody is so important that the Universe will collect its entire force to inflict misery upon any solitary person.  Still, that’s how we feel in those dark moments.

Last week, my chapter of the board of REALTORS hosted an event filled with relaxation and self-protection.  We learned some basic tai chi (shake that tree to make the stress fall away).  We also learned some very, very basic martial arts.  The senseis performed a demo for us.  One acted as the attacker and threw his fist at the other.  They paused just as they were about to connect.  The sensei being attacked said that it is often instinctive to see the fist coming and put up your arms to absorb the blow of the hit as best as you can.  This can be somewhat effective but the attacker remains in charge and you are victim to the event, albeit to a lesser degree than intended.  A more effective response is to put your arms up to defend but instead of absorbing the hit, divert the attacker’s energy by using your arms to deflect the attacker’s fists downward.  This way, you take charge of the energy — even if for a moment — but a moment is all you need to derail the attack, remove yourself from the situation and alter the outcome.  This is not something that requires a lot of physical strength.  Rather, it is about maintaining presence of mind, even while in crisis.

It is during this week’s ill-timed, blindsiding setback that I find myself at a crossroad and reflecting on what I learned from the sensei.  I can absorb the hit and allow myself to get struck down.  I can plunge deeper into  the identity of “victim of circumstance.”  I can lay there in the calm of the aftermath but soon I will fall into a downward spiral, gaining momentum that will eventually become to powerful to resist and impossible to rise against.  Or I can maintain my presence of mind during the crisis and redirect the damning energy into a productive force to help me not only out of this event but to use that momentum to defeat prior negative circumstances.

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles have strengthened me...You may not realize it when it happens but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. ~~ Walt Disney
Who am I to argue with Walt Disney…?

One of those paths at the crossroad is infinitely more appealing.  One person is in charge of making that choice.  I need to have faith in her…and faith has a way of only showing up when one is being tested.

Namaste.